Time for more UNENDING WORDS!
Spoiler:
Talking about the weather is clearly the route to true love.
There's another conversation on Human Path re: Mesphit, this time with Dora.
If you go to tomb three first, you fight graverobbers despite the text warning for servants of Fost. It's pretty minor, especially as most people are probably going to go it in order. I'm going out of my way to break things, though, so I might as well report my findings.
Polly on Asher: "He was a passionate man that believed deeply in justice and fight for what is right." That could be who. But more importantly, fight needs an ing on the end.
Let's say hi to our new elven friends OH SHI- "All of the residents stopped to scowled at the human party members." Scowled should be scowl.
Polly on the demons, in the elf camp: "They are never organized, but the one demon superior enough to achieve do the impossible was Fost himself." Either cut out achieve or cut out do.
Narration opening for Amukiki's food cutscene: "Most of the them just wanted to sit by the campfire for a hot meal…" Superfluous the in front of them.
Myrth romance scene at the amazon party: "It came to his attention that Saren's eyes had been finding Myrth the whole night." This way, it looks like someone else is watching Saren watch Myrth. Is Rei being an overprotective big bro? Is Draco being a jealous stalker off on the side? Anyway, you could avoid this by switching "Saren's" and "his" around in order.
And speaking of Draco and parties! "Saren took pity on him and searched for some water to sober him. He returned shortly with a ladle full." Ladleful should be one word in this context.
Party's over! Dwarf: "The great city of Hammerhands is under siege of a demon and his army!" I realize he's in no state to speak clearly, but switching of to by would make it a lot smoother.
Loren/Saren Harem Spy cutscene. Lot of 'em in here.
"Using every speed trick that he learned, he was able to cut enough corners to reach out and grab the goblin and they tumbled to the ground." Goblin could use a comma after it. Learned should be had learned, or better yet, knew. And speed trick is a really strange phrase. I'm not sure what to do with it.
"Loren was sitting on the ground, grabbing her arm." The use of grabbing makes it sound like she's grabbing it over and over again, rather than holding it. Or is that what she's doing? I am picturing her just flailing around like she's trying to swat a mosquito or something.
"Loren touched her temple and her eyes fluttered closed. Saren knew to panic." Knew to panic is a strange way of putting it, especially since he doesn't exactly panic, which implies an unhelpful surge of despairing activity, possibly with screaming, running, and/or totally freezing up.
"Saren fell to Loren's side and leaned her into his arms." Leaned looks like the wrong verb to use there, but I can't exactly say why. I guess it's just not all that romantic, like he's just hauling around a plank. Gathered, maybe? That's a bit more tender.
"Loren nodded slowly and made the motions to continue to the campsite again. Saren kept a close eye on her - and to the forests, so that this would not happen again." On the forests. Also, in the first sentence, continue/again is a slightly off word pairing. Lopping off the again might help that.
Draco, in Guard Duty: "The past is over with, you know. There's now, and then there's future." There might be a the in front of future, depending on how he's saying it. Actually, the more I look at this, the more I like it. Dropping the article out of a sentence seems like a very Draco thing to do. He's a breezy sorta guy. Actually, Ramas makes a ton of grammatical errors, which I almost never note down because I've been assuming all of it's part of his accent.
Fightin' the Bear: "Karen looked at the both ambivalently before turning on her heel and retiring to her tent." Them both.
I think this is after Saren just implies that Karen sucks at fighting these days, before the apology prompt. "Karen's face stretched is disbelief." In disbelief.
Nice weather with Loren: "It was to rain." About to rain?
Let's talk about RACISM. "It was important to him that Amukiki wasn't so quick to judgement." Quick to judge.
Speaking of Amukiki, sparring cutscene!
"…The third time, it lanced forwards into the gut of person not there." A person not there. Or better, a person who wasn't there. Or better yet, a foe who wasn't there. Otherwise, it sorta comes off like he's just stabbing an imaginary person who may or may not actually deserve to be stabbed. "Sell the princess apples, will you? Have at you, cur!"
"Saren shook as if it were the greatest insult." Is he shaking his head or just standing there quivering in sheer rage? It could honestly be either, but if it's the former, it doesn't come off that way.
"They sparred with each other briefly, with each swing Amukiki parried, he grew more frustrated." First up, that first comma should either be a period or have an and after it. I mentioned the potential for pronoun confusion in a previous post, but it's pretty blatant here! At first, it looks like Amukiki's parrying and yelling "UGGGGH SAREN YOU SUCK I AM SO DISAPPOINTED" but reading it again it's probably Saren being, "BLUUUUGH WHY CANT I STAB THIS SMOKING HUNK OF BEEFCAKE I MEAN FRUSTRATING PLATONIC FRIEND."
Amukiki: "That is the only time you will succeed with that on me." This sentence is a bit jarring somehow but I'm not sure why. Oh well, given how Krul talks faux-English probably isn't THE BEAR'S first language.
"Healing magic, instead of offensive magic, undid the damage that he has just caused." Had just caused. Also that instead of offensive magic sounds like it's being attached to the undoing of the damage rather than the magic type comparison. It comes off a little like "He normally uses offensive magic to heal, but this time, he's using healing magic!" Which I guess could work if elemental absorption were a thing in this game… Wow, that would make the demons such an extra pain to fight. Anyway, the has/had is the only actual issue I have with this part. It's pretty obvious that Saren's not in the habit of cleansing with fire in context.
There's another conversation on Human Path re: Mesphit, this time with Dora.
If you go to tomb three first, you fight graverobbers despite the text warning for servants of Fost. It's pretty minor, especially as most people are probably going to go it in order. I'm going out of my way to break things, though, so I might as well report my findings.
Polly on Asher: "He was a passionate man that believed deeply in justice and fight for what is right." That could be who. But more importantly, fight needs an ing on the end.
Let's say hi to our new elven friends OH SHI- "All of the residents stopped to scowled at the human party members." Scowled should be scowl.
Polly on the demons, in the elf camp: "They are never organized, but the one demon superior enough to achieve do the impossible was Fost himself." Either cut out achieve or cut out do.
Narration opening for Amukiki's food cutscene: "Most of the them just wanted to sit by the campfire for a hot meal…" Superfluous the in front of them.
Myrth romance scene at the amazon party: "It came to his attention that Saren's eyes had been finding Myrth the whole night." This way, it looks like someone else is watching Saren watch Myrth. Is Rei being an overprotective big bro? Is Draco being a jealous stalker off on the side? Anyway, you could avoid this by switching "Saren's" and "his" around in order.
And speaking of Draco and parties! "Saren took pity on him and searched for some water to sober him. He returned shortly with a ladle full." Ladleful should be one word in this context.
Party's over! Dwarf: "The great city of Hammerhands is under siege of a demon and his army!" I realize he's in no state to speak clearly, but switching of to by would make it a lot smoother.
Loren/Saren Harem Spy cutscene. Lot of 'em in here.
"Using every speed trick that he learned, he was able to cut enough corners to reach out and grab the goblin and they tumbled to the ground." Goblin could use a comma after it. Learned should be had learned, or better yet, knew. And speed trick is a really strange phrase. I'm not sure what to do with it.
"Loren was sitting on the ground, grabbing her arm." The use of grabbing makes it sound like she's grabbing it over and over again, rather than holding it. Or is that what she's doing? I am picturing her just flailing around like she's trying to swat a mosquito or something.
"Loren touched her temple and her eyes fluttered closed. Saren knew to panic." Knew to panic is a strange way of putting it, especially since he doesn't exactly panic, which implies an unhelpful surge of despairing activity, possibly with screaming, running, and/or totally freezing up.
"Saren fell to Loren's side and leaned her into his arms." Leaned looks like the wrong verb to use there, but I can't exactly say why. I guess it's just not all that romantic, like he's just hauling around a plank. Gathered, maybe? That's a bit more tender.
"Loren nodded slowly and made the motions to continue to the campsite again. Saren kept a close eye on her - and to the forests, so that this would not happen again." On the forests. Also, in the first sentence, continue/again is a slightly off word pairing. Lopping off the again might help that.
Draco, in Guard Duty: "The past is over with, you know. There's now, and then there's future." There might be a the in front of future, depending on how he's saying it. Actually, the more I look at this, the more I like it. Dropping the article out of a sentence seems like a very Draco thing to do. He's a breezy sorta guy. Actually, Ramas makes a ton of grammatical errors, which I almost never note down because I've been assuming all of it's part of his accent.
Fightin' the Bear: "Karen looked at the both ambivalently before turning on her heel and retiring to her tent." Them both.
I think this is after Saren just implies that Karen sucks at fighting these days, before the apology prompt. "Karen's face stretched is disbelief." In disbelief.
Nice weather with Loren: "It was to rain." About to rain?
Let's talk about RACISM. "It was important to him that Amukiki wasn't so quick to judgement." Quick to judge.
Speaking of Amukiki, sparring cutscene!
"…The third time, it lanced forwards into the gut of person not there." A person not there. Or better, a person who wasn't there. Or better yet, a foe who wasn't there. Otherwise, it sorta comes off like he's just stabbing an imaginary person who may or may not actually deserve to be stabbed. "Sell the princess apples, will you? Have at you, cur!"
"Saren shook as if it were the greatest insult." Is he shaking his head or just standing there quivering in sheer rage? It could honestly be either, but if it's the former, it doesn't come off that way.
"They sparred with each other briefly, with each swing Amukiki parried, he grew more frustrated." First up, that first comma should either be a period or have an and after it. I mentioned the potential for pronoun confusion in a previous post, but it's pretty blatant here! At first, it looks like Amukiki's parrying and yelling "UGGGGH SAREN YOU SUCK I AM SO DISAPPOINTED" but reading it again it's probably Saren being, "BLUUUUGH WHY CANT I STAB THIS SMOKING HUNK OF BEEFCAKE I MEAN FRUSTRATING PLATONIC FRIEND."
Amukiki: "That is the only time you will succeed with that on me." This sentence is a bit jarring somehow but I'm not sure why. Oh well, given how Krul talks faux-English probably isn't THE BEAR'S first language.
"Healing magic, instead of offensive magic, undid the damage that he has just caused." Had just caused. Also that instead of offensive magic sounds like it's being attached to the undoing of the damage rather than the magic type comparison. It comes off a little like "He normally uses offensive magic to heal, but this time, he's using healing magic!" Which I guess could work if elemental absorption were a thing in this game… Wow, that would make the demons such an extra pain to fight. Anyway, the has/had is the only actual issue I have with this part. It's pretty obvious that Saren's not in the habit of cleansing with fire in context.
will see if to change it later!
Very good catches and suggestions, I took them and I hope the sentences read better.
