The ascension to Everburn
Loved ones kissed the soldiers good-bye, or traded longing looks across formatin, ready to end...
...soldiers good-bye or traded longing looks...
The grand army was to march right into Everburn, and conquer the day.
She had to give instructions to each army, knowing that each one...
no comma there (the rest of the sentence is correct, though)
The soldiers wiped out every evil hive, den and hollow.
...hive, den, and hollow. (just to be consistent with how you've been using commas when listing things throughout the game)
Inside the volcano
...spread through every surface of the room, except a patch...
It's the weak link, and our destination.
Bone-chilling laughter followed, and seemed to bounce off...
Bone-chilling laughter followed and seemed to bounce off...
Foolishly, you think you have won.
It's correct, but "Fools! You think you have won." sounds more angry/in the heat of the moment (haha pun)
There's even more demons!?
They're even more demons!?
The world shook again.
Is Fost shaking the whole world or the volcano? The floor beneath them shook again or The volcano shook again (maybe)
We have him cornered, so he has...
Back outside the volcano
...nowhere else to run to but into the ocean.
...nowhere else to run but into the ocean.
Breza ran up to the war table, struggling to breathe.
...table, gasping for breath. (struggling to breathe makes it sound like she's mortally wounded which I don't think she is?)
There's so much more than we expected!
There're so much more...
...with more distress calls, and reports of monstrous...
...slaughter these beasts into the next realm, or we die!
We're already there, as far as I'm concerned.
(Pebbles stuck to her cheek as she lifted her head from the cold ground. Nothing wrong, it's a great mental image. I love this line :D)
Elenor felt almost like in a dream, limbs twice...
Elenor almost felt like she were in a dream; limbs twice...
In the chance that this was not the after-life, she still needed to kill Fost, and that meant...
In case this was not the after-life... or On the off-chance that this was not the after-life... (something like that) No comma between Fost & and
She thought she was more special that this...
The Dora under the rock went calm until finally blinking out of existence.
The Dora under the rock became (calm/motionless) until she finally blinked out of existence.
She lifted up rock after rock, and found no one.
Elenor took several steps away, sealing Dora's fate underneath the crushing rock.
...(under/beneath) the crushing rock.
I knew it because you'd never ask for help like her.
I knew it was you because...
She called softly, as to not startle him, but the mage sprang up anyway.
...softly so she wouldn't startle him, but... (this is more of a flow thing)
We're trying to find the others, so we can get...
no comma (the 2nd one in this sentence is good)
We should have got rid of him after...
We should have gotten rid of him after... (this might be a difference between British English & American English. I think the way you have it is how I've heard "got rid" on BBC shows so either way is good, I think.
...head delicately on the ground, and then stood to meet her.
...head delicately on the ground and stood to meet her.
You have a strong grip of reality.
...strong grip on reality.
The fire mage writhed under Elenor's grip to continue casting his magic.
The fire mage writhed in Elenor's grip as he tried to (continue to) cast his magic. <-- the words in parenthesis aren't needed, but they can be kept.
Elenor released Draco and he burst...
Elenor released Draco, and he burst... or Elenor released Draco. He burst...
That treasure is a manifestation of dark magic, and nothing more.
Ramas's anger slowly unfurled as he saw Dora slipping away.
...slowly faded as he saw... unfurled referrs to an inanimate object, usually. Like paper or cloth.
The gladiator stared at it for a while until grasping it firmly.
...while then grasped it firmly. ?
In the void room & epilogues
Elenor walked slowly up to Karen, who looked at her with no emotion.
It hurt her to see her Queen so hollow by the realm.
...hollowed by the realm.
I had thought I had killed you!
I thought I had killed you!
Karen looked up at Elenor and smiled.
Isn't Karen taller than Elenor? ...looked down at Elenor...
I'm confused when Myrth says "We are quite fortunate to be...dying." Is it like 'we're in dang good shape to be on death's door' or is she actually looking forward to death?
Fost's eyes flashed as he was eerily silent
Fost's eyes flashed, and he was eerily silent.
...you asked me if I would lay my life down for you.
...would lay down my life for you. (split infinitive)
Not everyone was pleased with the new direction of the Amazons, and some...
...honoring Elenor and all of her good deeds of bringing peace...
...all of her good deeds in bringing peace...
...withered hands reach up to her cloak and pull the hood down...
...pull down the hood...
...the quietest they had ever been in centuries...
either "the quietest they had ever been" or "the quietest they had been in centuries..."
A bright, white gateway opened...
A bright white gateway opened...
All around her, party members rose from the rubble...
Her comrades rose from the rubble around her and helped each other to stand. (?)
...eliminating slavery in her culture, by allowing citizenship...
...among the Amazons, and the only elf to be held...
This way, they could officially be together and not hide their love, which was a refreshing change for Karen, having been so used to believe her love...
...and not hid their love. It was a refreshing change for Karen, having been so used to believing her love...
...whenever she felt she was weak, all she had to do was looking in Elenor's...
...all she had to do was look into Elenor's...
...learning how glorious a Princess her Great-Mothers must have welcomed her.
phrase is awkward. ...learning how glorious a Princess her Great-Mothers must have welcomed. ?
Karen tilted her head while looking at Elenor, swimming with emotion.
What was swimming with emotion? her face? her eyes?
...as Karen turned her backs on them.
...as Karen turned her back on them.
In this ending Elenor is given her freedom and it says she left the gates of the Citadel. A few slides later it says she was given her own residence. Did she stay?
At Hammerhands (before the Drake fight)
...Loren quickly gestured for her to remain put.
either ...Loren quickly gestured for her to remain. or ...Loren quickly gestured for her to stay put.
The drake received her comfortably, only bending back slightly to prepare an attack with its jaws.
OOO! This sounds awfully spicy
Like some hot n heavy love scene between Loren and the drake. Maybe "The drake received her calmly, only..." ?
...and she almost forgot to charge into battle from staring at him.
kind of awkward. Maybe take out "from staring at him?"
Amukiki/Elenor scene (super drawing on this. I saw the size difference and thought "He's going to CRUSH her!"
I know you would act a martyr!
I know you would become a martyr? ...act as a martyr? ...volunteer to act as a martyr?
Not by him.
Not with him.
...every time she saw him fight, or looked at her across the camp, or graded heated words.
either "...or looked at him across the camp..." or "...or when he looked at her across the camp..."
...deepen the kiss, and their breathing...
...deepen the kiss, their breathing...