Bad grammar, typos, etc.

[Aleema]

Thanks.

[faerirose]

Chapter 4 until

Spoiler:

the merchants come so you can buy goods

Spoiler:

Note on commas before conjunctions (and, but, etc). You only use a comma when the phrase that follows after the conjunction could stand alone as a complete sentence.
i.e. I went to the store and bought peanuts. (no comma because "bought peanuts" can't stand alone)
I went to the store, and my sister bought peanuts. (yes comma because "my sister bought peanuts" is a complete sentence on its own.)
This rule doesn't apply when you're listing off things. i.e. Blah, blah, and blah.

Elanor found her way by her side again, catching her breath.
The 2nd 'her' is ambiguous. 'Elanor found her way to Loren's side again...'

Yes, I think that such a powerful wizard as you could help me give me what I need to use my divination.
Yes, I think that a wizard as powerful as you could give me what I need to use my divination.

Karen says "I am still an Amazon. I am still your Queen." Is that in a figurative sense? I thought at the end of chapter 3 she gave the title of Queen to Loren. Maybe I read it wrong (too fast) since Karen is still called Queen and Loren is still called Princess.

Without any approval from Loren, Elanor took Karen's hand and was pulled onto the saddle behind Karen.
...Elanor took Karen's hand and was pulled onto the saddle behind her.

Elanor gasped and wrapped her arms around Karen, pressing her chest against her back.
...pressing her chest against Karen's back. (the 'her's can get ambiguous)

They flew together across the lands, hoping to save the Citadel in time, and to live to tell it.
...Citadel in time and to live to tell of it. -to live to tell the tale? somehting along those lines.

This is worse than I had hoped.
This is worse than I feared.

Dead Amazons were found at the entrance, and not enough goblin corpses to match.
...entrance and not enough goblin...

The horn also caught the goblins' attention, and their master Grob.
...attention and their master, Grob.

This was her home, and it was her duty to protect it.
It's correct the way it is, but it seems punchier to go:
This was her home; it was her duty to protect it.

How could mere goblins penetrate the Citadel's defenses, and kill the strongest warriors?
...the Citadel's defenses and kill the strongest warriors?

Karen slammed her spear on the ground, resounding in a loud thump.
'resounding' describes what the noise does. If Karen slammed her spear on the ground, it would 'result' in a loud thump. Maybe "Karen slammed her spear on the ground. The loud thump echoed throughout the throne room." or something?

Everyone in the room jumped from being startled.
Startled, everyone in the room jumped.

She yelled as she prepared to land a mortal strike on the goblin boss, but quick in thinking, Grob managed to perform a bit of illusion magic.
...goblin boss, but quick-thinking Grob managed to perform a bit of illusion magic.

But Killing you will not be rewardless.
But killing you will not be without reward.

The elf hadn't expected for any gratitude,...
The elf hadn't expected any gratitude,...

Hammerhands was smoking when they arrived, but in control of Loren's forces.
Loren is in control of Hammerhands so:
...arived, but Loren's forces were in control.

As you know, Fost is a spirit of a long dead warrior, inhabiting his old suit of armor.
As you know, Fost is the spirit of a long-dead warrior inhabiting his old suit of armor.

He is a Death Knight, in their purest form.
He is a Death Knight in their purest form.

This my calling.
This is my calling.

It would cause chaos within the party if they knew what had to be done.
Using "party" removes the player from the immersion; "party" seems like an out of character/gamer term. 'It would cause chaos among their comrades if...'

Her mind was already made up to become the martyr, but unfortunately, so had Elanor and Karen.
From the previous screen it seems like we're hearing Loren's thoughts, right?
She had already made up her mind to become a martyr but, unfortunately, so
had Elanor and her mother. (?)

In those mountains laid her fate.
In those mountains lay her fate.

But now, it was the only thing she was sure of. Elanor was going to lay her life down for Aravorn...
You haven't said what "it" was yet so maybe "But now there was only one thing she was sure of."

They had but one more day to train, and one more night to rest...and then it was all over.
They had but one more day to train and one more night to rest...and then it would all be over.

[pysali]

Quick one from Rei's path

Spoiler:

During the romance scene after Rei realizes Myrth told Elenor about the mark he says 'She can be so noisy sometimes' instead of nosey.

And another one from Rei:

Spoiler:

She was racking with anticipation just as much as him, needing his touch and his kiss.

Racking?

[Aleema]

Thank you! And thanks for the quick lesson in comma usage, I'll be more aware of that from now on!

It was my understanding while writing that Karen was still Queen until a ceremony took place, which they did not have time to do with the war going on. There is also a very specific Amazon ritual that must be done (expansion hint hint). So Karen said: "I will relinquish my throne to my daughter within the season." (not immediately) I do make a heavy "she rose as the Queen" line before Chp4 so I could see how that would make you assume that the title had transferred ... I'd rather change that line than any Queen/Princess reference thereafter. Thanks for explaining your confusion.

Made all changes, woo!

[MadarFoxfire]

Went through the main plot and the Saren-only romance arcs!

Spoiler:

- If you choose to leave Apolimesho in the glowy caverns, the text claims he teleports away, and then the next line Saren's looking back at him.

- They're all suddenly wearing clothes in the epilogue, which is a pretty jarring shift considering the monochrome. I thought Saren's nipples had been lost in that dramatic final battle.

- Jul's necklace is still in stores. It's the magic swamp store, though, so maybe intentional? Anyway, for Category, everything is listed "This is an armour." The an isn't necessary, since armor is one of those concept nouns, but it's a bit bland. Maybe list things as the armor slot they go into?

- The store contains an item called the Shield Of Mondragon, which looks like a typo of Moondragon but heck if I know.

Main plot!

Saren brooding out the window after Polimo's revelation: "In those mountains laid his fate." Lay his fate.

Advancing on Hammerhands:
"The dark of Fost's helmet raged red…" It probably refers to the glowy eye thing he does, but I am picturing his entire helmet turning red while whistling and steaming like a teakettle. It's kind of adorable and completely ruins his sinister tough guy image.

"As they approached, stray arrows were shot at them from demonic creatures with enough ability," enough ability to what? Also they can shoot arrows? I thought they just did elemental/chompy magic.

"Loren's army poured into every street of the city and was fighting back the demons…" the tense change here is pretty egregious.

"The death cries of hundred of demons was almost music to their ears." should be "The death cries of hundreds of demons were music to their ears." No need for the almost, it's a little too delicate considering the context of folks murdering demons and freaking LOVING IT.


Suddenly, dragon!

"They all looked up to see a massive winged create fly over, its shadow engulfing them." Creature.

"Just as before, swarms of demons were blocking the entrace and dangling out from the windows and parapets, slinging rocks, arrows, and other unspeakable things." Implies that the rocks and arrows are categorized as unspeakable things. How bad does something need to be to be considered unspeakable in this game? And what subcategory of unspeakable are we talking about here? Hellhound manure? Severed heads? Dirty magazines?

"But the Citadel was saved, and that was what Saren assured Karen was the most important thing." That sentence looks a little cumbersome, like it's tripping over itself.

"Loren's sword glowed brighter with every hit, and she staggered in her moves." Bit of a jarring phrase combination. "she suddenly staggered" might work better.

"Saren started to followed her," follow her.

"Loren dodged its attack and got a heavy strike on the drake's head," got in a heavy strike would work better.

The bit where they learn someone has to die to kill the Archdemon I mean Fost.

Apolimesho: "I wish to share to you now all that I have learned from that time." With you. Polimo strikes me as the kinda guy who's very proper about grammar.

Apolimesho: "…so all three of you should…. prepare yourself." Prepare yourselves.

"The one of them that would pay the highest price would yet to be seen." Not 100% sure what the original intent was here…. "The one of them who would pay the highest price was yet to be determined." maybe?

"Her mind was already made up to become the martyr, but unfortunately, so had Saren and Karen." Either "She had already decided to become the martyr" OR "so had Saren and Karen's." Or would it be Saren's and Karen's? This is my grammatical weak point.

Now let's invade a volcano!

Myrth: "…the entrance is seal with death magic." Sealed. And right after that, Saren asks "How will we accomplish that?" despite a lack of task to accomplish in the previous sentence. It'd make more sense if he asked how they were going to overcome it, or asked what they were doing to to about it. Or if Polimo/Myrth expressed the start of a plan.

"A glow began to form around them. It grew brighter and large" brighter and larger, keep those tenses consistent!

"A booming crack above them shot Saren's look up just in time…" Either "Saren's gaze" or "made Saren look up"

Found Karen in the caves, Saren: "Apolimesho said that Fost may have been hiding on another realm…" in another realm?

"Saren couldn't see another of Draco anywhere." Either another of him or another Draco would flow better.

Draco, during Polimo's bad reaction: "I warned you! But no, never listen to me!" "You never listen to me" ?
Actual typo during his own flipout:
"Who's side are you on?" Should be whose.

It's Myrthful Meltdown time! "Miraculously, when Saren stepped into the next room, she stepped into a magical forest." The magical forest seems to have turned him into a chick.

"In the midst of the trees with Myrth with a bundle held tenderly in her arms." First with should be was.

If you kill her: "Her cries in agony were not quelled." of agony.

After Rei's bad reaction: "Elenor quickly abandoned the room, pushing it from her mind." Not only is Saren a girl again, he's also changed his name to Elenor. What a terrible curse.

"Bit by bit, Ramas' bezerker rage left him and ran to the dwarf woman's side." there should be a "he" between and and he, unless the rage is like, leaping out of him in physical form and charging at Dora, which would be pretty terrifying. Also, it is spelled berserker.

Ramas: "I'm such blastin' dunder-rat!!" Grammatically speaking, there should be an a in front of blastin', although currently it also comes off like he's too upset to speak straight. It's pretty cute.

"No one did anything as Amukiki tried to come to grip with reality." grips is traditional.

If you talk to Karen, the text calls her Loren at first. Also, there's references to the rest of the party even if you've gotten the lot of them killed.

"Saren readied a move to kill himself." Sounds too indistinct for such a dramatic moment. Prepared to kill himself could work, or even just describing him bringing his sword to his throat.

"The cavern rumbled as Fost grew enraged and doubled in size!" The combination of grew/adjective and the physical growing is a bit headtilty. Also, he was already pretty ticked off, does he really need to grow there?

Karen: "Step away. This is not you death, it is mine!" Your death. I can't remember which of the choices it goes with.

Save Loren!

"Loren was standing at the edge of the room, staring down at the new cliff side…" cliffside is one word.

Epilogue! "he had been given much more freedoms that he realized" much more freedom

Save both of them technically!

"The pieces fell into the portal's void and followed shortly by Saren himself." And were followed shortly.

Draco romance!

After choosing which love interest to go for.
"Before Saren could even finish his thought to find Draco, he was nudged by the fire mage." First bit's kinda clumsily worded. "Before Saren could begin to start looking for Draco," perhaps?

The part where he upgrades from comedically stupid to heroic stupid.
"Draco was standing as still as a rock, however, but it was difficult to tell where his magic ended and the drake's breath began." Cut either the however or the but, it's sorta double negative all up ins.

"The light from his magic grew too bright…" so bright.

"Saren was able to recognize that his breathing restored shortly before losing consciousness." Bit of a jumble there. "Saren was able to recognize that his breathing had been restored, shortly before he himself lost consciousness."

Fussing over him in bed.
"He used his healing magic one more time, but he was draining to the point of exhaustion." Drained.

"That was the last thing Saren would sit back and watch before he clamored onto the bed to scoop Draco into his arms." Clambered. Also, the first part's a little off but I'm not sure how to reword it. I think the would is part of it, it makes it a little speculative which contradicts the rest of the actiony part?

"He wished that it wouldn't have taken Draco nearly losing his life to see how important he was to him." should be hadn't taken

"Draco was rigid underneath him," I've gone over this bit several times and I'm still not sure whether it's his posture that's rigid a la "oh my god this is finally happening what do I do" or whether it's just one particular part of him that's rigid. Which kind of works for that scene, even if it does make me snicker. Given his attire i.e. the lack thereof at the time, it'd be easy to notice, at least. And for that matter, I'm not sure why Saren's not wearing any pants. That is to say, it's pretty clear why he's not wearing any pants, but it's unclear at what point he stripped down. Was he like that when Draco woke up? Did he take 'em off when things started getting hot and heavy? Is it laundry day? Is hanging around in as little clothing as possible for no particular reason just a thing Amazons of either sex do in their free time?

"He just had no idea how to act in such situations, only fantasized them" fantasized about them. Again, I'm not sure whether Saren or Draco is the subject here. Saren's usually the POV character, but there's been 3rd person omniscient POV before, and it doesn't not fit either of them.

Draco during the sacrifice:
"Draco burst into tears and clamored over to Saren, clinging to him desperately." Clambered. This is a pretty consistent typo. Although he technically is being pretty clamorous at the time, I will give you that. He does a lot of crying in the latter half of the romance.


Myrth romance!

Fightin' with Rei in chapter 3.
"Saren grabbed the elf's cloaks and jostled him." Only one cloak.
"Rei's took complete offense." Rei. There's too much s in this scene.

She doesn't like dragons either.
"Across from Saren, he watched Myrth clutch her chest with her eyes tightly closed." This would flow better. "Saren watched Myrth, across from him, clutch her chest with her eyes tightly closed. "

"…her collected fatigued was now claiming her" Fatigue, no d. Also the bit right after that makes a big deal out of her dark eyes, and they're a really bright blue in the actual art. Did you mean dark circles under her eyes?

"Saren knew he would have to keep he safe until she could properly recover." That second he should be a she.

"Myrth had loved him, but she never told him, or even let him love her, too." The too isn't needed.

The part where they "meditate" together all night long.

"He looked around and did not see Myrth immediately, but it was also too dark from nightfall." As it was, maybe?

"Saren dipped down and placed his face next to hers." Next makes me think side-by-side rather than face to face.

"Saren's passion was fueled from recalling her confession, and how much meaningful they must have been…" how meaningful it must have been

"Please. Lay with me". Grammatically it should be lie, but she's got other things on her mind, I could believe it.

"He slowly approached the flower and kneeled down on it." Knelt.

Epilogue: "When she did let go of her title, her and Saren were finally able to reveal their love to the world." she and Saren.

[Aleema]

Spoiler:

Trust me. I was very conscious whenever I used "rigid" or "stiffened" in these romance scenes. >_> It's like, I know what I want to say, but how can I get the player to read it without immediately visualizing a boner? It's really hard - damn it, you're visualizing one right now, aren't you? No, I'm just trying to say that they're surprised and motionless.

As for the unexplained nakedness in CGs ... I tried to make an effort to explain it when I could, but all of them are naked in all of the CGs, and since I was instructed to not have any romantic kissing/confessions before the CGs (because the player would expect that to be a CG), I had to combine their most romantic moments with whoops-we're-all-naked fanservice. So I guess I was hoping for a little suspension of disbelief in some scenes so I don't have to force Saren to actually strip for no reason, but I know that's cheap on my part.

Wooo, that was a long one. :D I love it when I learn stuff from you guys. Also, when you make me laugh.

I think I'll re-do the epilogue slides so Saren doesn't look like he became a Ken doll.

[jack1974]

About the Jul's necklace, you're right, forgot to update the code! It shouldn't appear in any other vendor.

[faerirose]

Karen/Elanor super ultra hot scene

Spoiler:

Elanor threw herself into work for a distraciton.
Elanor took on additional work to stay distracted. (something like that)

Elanor flung around to see that she was no longer alone...
Elanor spun around to see...

She had often went out of her way to spend time with Karen, but now she was avoiding her
She used to go out of her way to spend time with Karen, but now she avoided her.

The heat of Karen's body fell upon her as did her shadow. (hottest line here (or very close), I think)
Did both the heat of K's body and her shadow fall upon Elanor? Or do you mean that the heat "fell upon her like a shadow?" (the last option is the super hot version, imo)

She had been taught that from a very young age: Do not look directly at the Queen.
She had been tought from a very young age how to behave around (toward) the Queen. Do not look directly at the Queen.

I have loved so passionately and so boldly, that I was willing to abandon my crown...
...and so boldly that I was willing...

I almost died for it.
I nearly died because of it.

The Queen's hands slid across the elf's arms and rested her fingers in between Elanor's
The Queen's hands slid down the elf's arms. Her fingers rested between Elanor's. (She laced her fingers with Elanor's) <-- ? maybe?

Do not be distant from me.
The "from me" is implied when she says "Do not be distant" so you can just leave it at Do not be distant.

...as Karen moved her lips towards Elanor's neck.
...toward Elanor's neck.

She had not breathed a breath since Karen held her.
She had not breathed since Karen embraced her. (She had not breathed in Karen's embrace or She hadn't dared to breathe in Karen's embrace.) <-- ?


Elanor turned towards Karen some more, brushing their cheeks together.
Elanor turned slightly toward Karen, their cheeks brushed together.


They stared at each other for moment.
...a moment.

Karen accepted the kiss, but did not close her eyes.
no comma

Karen slipped her fingers underneath the leather...
...under the leather...

Elanor felt a pang of rejection until Karen lowered in front of her.
I'm not sure if this is "lowering" like going down on Elanor or if it's literally bowing as it says 2 clicks later ...until Karen knelt in front of her.

...emotion that Karen had kept hidden underneath her stone guise.
...emotion that Karen had kept hidden beneath her stone visage. (guise doesn't make as much sense in this case)

She could no longer deny that she was at the front of Karen's heart anymore.
take out 'anymore'

She was not just an elf, or just a woman.
no comma

...unalbe to let herself stay farther than an arm's reach of Karen ever again.
...an arm's reach from Karen ever again.

[faerirose]

I just noticed I think I've been spelling Elenor's name as Elanor this whole time. Maybe not, but if I have been...SO SORRY!!!
Also, I made a few towards/toward corrections. I started to wonder about it and researched. Towards is British, toward is American. I think I deleted all of them below, but if I didn't, disregard. (the same rule goes for backwards/backward and upwards/upward. I had no idea British & American English had that kind of wacky grammar split)

Spoiler:

The ascension to Everburn

Loved ones kissed the soldiers good-bye, or traded longing looks across formatin, ready to end...
...soldiers good-bye or traded longing looks...

The grand army was to march right into Everburn, and conquer the day.
no comma

She had to give instructions to each army, knowing that each one...
no comma there (the rest of the sentence is correct, though)

The soldiers wiped out every evil hive, den and hollow.
...hive, den, and hollow. (just to be consistent with how you've been using commas when listing things throughout the game)


Inside the volcano

...spread through every surface of the room, except a patch...
no comma

It's the weak link, and our destination.
no comma


Bone-chilling laughter followed, and seemed to bounce off...
Bone-chilling laughter followed and seemed to bounce off...

Foolishly, you think you have won.
It's correct, but "Fools! You think you have won." sounds more angry/in the heat of the moment (haha pun)

There's even more demons!?
They're even more demons!?

The world shook again.
Is Fost shaking the whole world or the volcano? The floor beneath them shook again or The volcano shook again (maybe)

We have him cornered, so he has...
no comma



Back outside the volcano

...nowhere else to run to but into the ocean.
...nowhere else to run but into the ocean.

Breza ran up to the war table, struggling to breathe.
...table, gasping for breath. (struggling to breathe makes it sound like she's mortally wounded which I don't think she is?)

There's so much more than we expected!
There're so much more...

...with more distress calls, and reports of monstrous...
no comma

...slaughter these beasts into the next realm, or we die!
no comma

We're already there, as far as I'm concerned.
no comma



The Under-realm

(Pebbles stuck to her cheek as she lifted her head from the cold ground. Nothing wrong, it's a great mental image. I love this line :D)

Elenor felt almost like in a dream, limbs twice...
Elenor almost felt like she were in a dream; limbs twice...

In the chance that this was not the after-life, she still needed to kill Fost, and that meant...
In case this was not the after-life... or On the off-chance that this was not the after-life... (something like that) No comma between Fost & and

She thought she was more special that this...
...than this...

The Dora under the rock went calm until finally blinking out of existence.
The Dora under the rock became (calm/motionless) until she finally blinked out of existence.

She lifted up rock after rock, and found no one.
no comma

Elenor took several steps away, sealing Dora's fate underneath the crushing rock.
...(under/beneath) the crushing rock.

I knew it because you'd never ask for help like her.
I knew it was you because...

She called softly, as to not startle him, but the mage sprang up anyway.
...softly so she wouldn't startle him, but... (this is more of a flow thing)


We're trying to find the others, so we can get...
no comma (the 2nd one in this sentence is good)

We should have got rid of him after...
We should have gotten rid of him after... (this might be a difference between British English & American English. I think the way you have it is how I've heard "got rid" on BBC shows so either way is good, I think.

...head delicately on the ground, and then stood to meet her.
...head delicately on the ground and stood to meet her.

You have a strong grip of reality.
...strong grip on reality.

The fire mage writhed under Elenor's grip to continue casting his magic.
The fire mage writhed in Elenor's grip as he tried to (continue to) cast his magic. <-- the words in parenthesis aren't needed, but they can be kept.

Elenor released Draco and he burst...
Elenor released Draco, and he burst... or Elenor released Draco. He burst...

That treasure is a manifestation of dark magic, and nothing more.
no comma

Ramas's anger slowly unfurled as he saw Dora slipping away.
...slowly faded as he saw... unfurled referrs to an inanimate object, usually. Like paper or cloth.

The gladiator stared at it for a while until grasping it firmly.
...while then grasped it firmly. ?


In the void room & epilogues

Elenor walked slowly up to Karen, who looked at her with no emotion.
no comma

It hurt her to see her Queen so hollow by the realm.
...hollowed by the realm.

I had thought I had killed you!
I thought I had killed you!

Karen looked up at Elenor and smiled.
Isn't Karen taller than Elenor? ...looked down at Elenor...

I'm confused when Myrth says "We are quite fortunate to be...dying." Is it like 'we're in dang good shape to be on death's door' or is she actually looking forward to death?

Fost's eyes flashed as he was eerily silent
Fost's eyes flashed, and he was eerily silent.


Sacrifice Elenor

...you asked me if I would lay my life down for you.
...would lay down my life for you. (split infinitive)

Not everyone was pleased with the new direction of the Amazons, and some...
no comma

...honoring Elenor and all of her good deeds of bringing peace...
...all of her good deeds in bringing peace...

...withered hands reach up to her cloak and pull the hood down...
...pull down the hood...

...the quietest they had ever been in centuries...
either "the quietest they had ever been" or "the quietest they had been in centuries..."


Sacrifice Loren

A bright, white gateway opened...
A bright white gateway opened...

All around her, party members rose from the rubble...
Her comrades rose from the rubble around her and helped each other to stand. (?)

...eliminating slavery in her culture, by allowing citizenship...
no comma

...among the Amazons, and the only elf to be held...
no comma

This way, they could officially be together and not hide their love, which was a refreshing change for Karen, having been so used to believe her love...
...and not hid their love. It was a refreshing change for Karen, having been so used to believing her love...

...whenever she felt she was weak, all she had to do was looking in Elenor's...
...all she had to do was look into Elenor's...

...learning how glorious a Princess her Great-Mothers must have welcomed her.
phrase is awkward. ...learning how glorious a Princess her Great-Mothers must have welcomed. ?


Sacrifice Karen

Karen tilted her head while looking at Elenor, swimming with emotion.
What was swimming with emotion? her face? her eyes?

...as Karen turned her backs on them.
...as Karen turned her back on them.

In this ending Elenor is given her freedom and it says she left the gates of the Citadel. A few slides later it says she was given her own residence. Did she stay?


At Hammerhands (before the Drake fight)

...Loren quickly gestured for her to remain put.
either ...Loren quickly gestured for her to remain. or ...Loren quickly gestured for her to stay put.

The drake received her comfortably, only bending back slightly to prepare an attack with its jaws.
OOO! This sounds awfully spicy Like some hot n heavy love scene between Loren and the drake. Maybe "The drake received her calmly, only..." ?

...and she almost forgot to charge into battle from staring at him.
kind of awkward. Maybe take out "from staring at him?"



Amukiki/Elenor scene (super drawing on this. I saw the size difference and thought "He's going to CRUSH her!"

I know you would act a martyr!
I know you would become a martyr? ...act as a martyr? ...volunteer to act as a martyr?

Not by him.
Not with him.

...every time she saw him fight, or looked at her across the camp, or graded heated words.
either "...or looked at him across the camp..." or "...or when he looked at her across the camp..."

...deepen the kiss, and their breathing...
...deepen the kiss, their breathing...

[Aleema]

Thanks, faerirose! :D I see that there is a difference between British and American English. Is there also a difference in regards to the word "underneath"? I took all your suggestions, but I was wondering if "underneath" was used only for specific purposes that I didn't know?

Spoiler:

Did both the heat of K's body and her shadow fall upon Elanor? Or do you mean that the heat "fell upon her like a shadow?" (the last option is the super hot version, imo)

I meant, both her heat and shadow fell on Elenor. (I couldn't decipher what you meant by "last option" so I hope it's the first one :D)

I'm confused when Myrth says "We are quite fortunate to be...dying." Is it like 'we're in dang good shape to be on death's door' or is she actually looking forward to death?

It's a random phrase, so I'm sure there's a point where it has lost its context. (Your party members randomly say poignant things, if they're there.) What she was meaning to say is that, if they weren't dying, then they would not have found Fost's hiding place in another realm. But she doesn't want to die, so she's saying it sort of reluctantly. I'll clean it up.

The drake received her comfortably, only bending back slightly to prepare an attack with its jaws.
OOO! This sounds awfully spicy

And there goes the LorenxDrake fanfiction.

Now I'm thinking "HE'S GOING TO CRUSH HER!" Thanks. xD

Thank you very much for your editing! I'm pleased most of it was commas, not horrible game-changing typos. Though, any typo that ruins a romance scene should be grounds to put me to death.