Myrth randomized dialogue: May you find some piece in the after-life.
...peace...
Elenor touched the gladiator's hands as she pulled them from her.
...pushed them... (?)
Epilogue
The war was over, but Elenor was not slated.
...sated. (?)
Amukiki had become something of a instructor...
...an instructor...
Rei's path
The foyer was safe for then, but not for long, so they hurried...
...was safe (now) but not for long, so they...
They met eyes...
Their eyes met...
...needed someone to so desperately climb with him.
...needed someone so desperately to climb...
...from the flower bud and right into...
...from the flower bud right onto...
...but Elenor not only didn't mind it, but craved it.
...but Elenor not only didn't mind it, she craved it. (too many buts :D)
...faced away with an embarrassment greater than she had even known.
...than she had ever known.
Rei/Elenor scene
She became a coward as she finally stood directly outside of his door.
She became timid... (?) coward doesn't sound right.
...she felt so embarrassed, or why she felt like she was caught in an act.
no comma. 'caught in an act' sounds odd. Usually it's 'caught in the act,' but that doesn't sound right, either. ...was caught doing something she shouldn't have been. (?)
...she was referring to, and tucked her marked hand...
no comma
(REI! You sneaky bastard! Symbol of betrothal...)
Everything that her and Rei did...
...she and Rei did...
An oath, between two elves.
no comma. If you want the reader to "read" a pause, "An oath...between two elves."
She felt like a fool to have no realized it sooner.
...to have not realized it sooner.
Rei caught the gesture, slowing realizing that she knew.
...slowly realizing that she knew.
She wheeled around to him, where he stood looking at her with the most vulnerable she had ever seen in him.
(?) She wheeled around to him. He stood looking at her with the most vulnerable (look?) she had ever seen. (I know you want to have in there that she had never seen a more vulnerable look from him, but I don't know how to work that in without more sentences.)
...kiss were intirely true, because her legs turned to liquid...
...true; her legs turned...
Elenor accepted, but only so long until she broke away again.
...but it wasn't long until she broke away again. (?)
...through his locks, trying to recompose himself.
...compose himself or ...regain his composure. Depends on if he was composed previously or had never been composed.
Elenor jutted up, but with a lack of words.
jut is like protrude. jumped, maybe?
You should teach me, so that I might have a fraction of this power over you someday.
Does he want the kind of power that Elenor has over him or does he want power over her. He doesn't seem like a posessive male at this point in the relationship. ...a fraction of this power of yours someday. You should teach me so that, someday, I have a fraction of this power you have.
She wanted him right back...
...wanted him back...
She believed him unquestionably...
...unquestioningly... (adverb)
She was racking with anticipation just as much as him, needing his touch and his kiss.
Psyali noted the "racking" part. For the most part, no matter what you sub in for racking, the "him" before the comma should be "he"
There was no denying either by how genuine his name...
...genuinely...
(It is mighty unfortunate that the dialogue box covers up Rei's bum :D)
Epilogue
Sacrifice Loren or Karen
...showed little interest in anyone outside of her, and continued to...
no comma
Loren's path
And even then, her heart wasn't beating wildly agains death, but against Loren's.
Either ...beating wildly against death, but against Loren. or ...beating wildly against death, but against Loren's heart. (that last posessive was kind of ambiguous)
They only go of each other...as they should have always been.
They only let go of each other...as they always should have been.
Loren/Elenor scene
...she wasn't a real Amazon, or anything close to royalty
no comma
(I will not breathe another breath until you last tear falls. <-- so good!)
She had never even saw herself...
...seen herself...
...Princess' touch, and allowed...
no comma
...desired each other in the leading days.
...in the days leading to this. (?) I'm not sure what the days were leading to: this encounter or the war.
...and she moaned into her mouth.
Elenor moaned into Loren's mouth, right? Maybe ...and she moaned into (Loren's/her Princess's/her lover's (if you want to go that far)) mouth.
Elenor had dragged her from that dark place, and so very easily.
Either ...dark place and so very easily. or ...dark place so very easily.
In the Under-realm
They broke apart from Karen's interruption...
They broke apart due to Karen's interruption... (?) Karen's interruption broke them apart. They both turned to see...
Epilogue
Sacrifice Elenor (this was the most beautiful ending I've gotten so far)
She hopes that her story would show...
She hopes that her story will show...
Sacrifice Loren
...and drag us back up to Citadel.
Don't you refer to the Amazon city as "the Citadel" every other time? If not, it's fine as it is.
Sacrifice Karen
Elenor was recognized as the Queen's lover, and titled the Head Concubine.
...Queen's lover and given the title of Head Concubine. (?)
Random from Karen/Elenor scene
Elenor leaned into Karen and placed her mouth...
...leaned in to Karen... (unless you meant that Elenor has literally leaned inside Karen :D Or she could have leaned onto Karen)
I know editing is not easy, I appreciate you and everyone else spending the long amount of time to do this. The "special thanks" at the end of the credits is definitely for you guys!
