Spoiler:
Saran camp dialogue
You're following me, all the times I did with you.
All the times Saren did what with Loren? Not sure what is meant. You're following me, like all the times I followed you. (?)
Loading supply wagons
I wanted to help out, and you had not given me direction yet.
no comma
She felt like only spectator of herself.
Not sure what is meant here. She felt like she was watching herself? She was beside herself with some emotion?
Loren path
But not in genuine.
But it wasn't genuine. (?)
Foreplay battle (this scene is awesome :D)
...tell each other everything that was on their mind, that they could...
...on their minds...
Their eyes never left each other's, and they could feel their heart beating...
Their eyes never (parted?), and they could feel their hearts beating...
Saren/Loren scene
...she found music in the quiet sounds of her partner, and a desire to hear...
no comma
Saren's happiness had become her own happiness, and through that, she understood...
...happiness and through that, she understood or ...happniess, and through that she understood... (depends on how you want the reader to interpret phrasing)
She enjoyed the power that Saren had, over her and over every...
no comma or if you want the reader to "read" a pause, elipses instead of a comma.
They both decided to swear anyone who challenged their love to Inferno.
...curse anyone... (?)
Epilogue
Sacrifice Karen
Loren wanted it for Saren, but also in memory of her mother, who was driven away...
Loren wanted it for Saren, but it was also in memory of her mother who was driven away...
Saren loved and protected Loren for all of his life.
...for the rest of his life. flows better
Saren welcomed fatherhood, as the Amazons welcomed their first Amazon Prince.
Either no comma or ...fatherhood, and the Amazons welcomed...
Myrth path
...or that she wasn't standing so close, but so far away.
...yet so far away. is more the standard way of expressing that sentiment
Saren looked past Loren and found eyes with Myrth unexpectedly.
...and unexpectedly locked eyes with Myrth. (?)
...and even in this battle, she seemed to avoid him.
no comma
But now, she looked pale and her eyes were dark.
no comma
...walk right up to her and bring her crashing into arms.
...into his arms. Crashing conjurs up an oddly violent mental image. ...and hold her in his arms? I know you want something more passionate; I just can't think of anything.
Across from Saren, he watched Myrth clutch her chest with her eyes tightly closed.
Across from Saran, Myrth clutched her chest. Her eyes were tightly closed. or Saren watched Myrth clutch her chest.
He could not withhold any longer...
He could not hold back any longer...
Saren knew he would have to keep he safe until...
...keep her safe...
Myrth/Saren scene
Myrth had loved him, but she never told him, or even let him love her, too.
...never told him or even let him love her back.
He rushed down the hall to find Myrth, but instead found Apolimesho.
no comma
She asked me to send you back for her.
...back to her. or She asked me to send you to her.
...racking his mind, but then he quickly...
...racking his mind, but he quickly...
It started to unfurl before him, a dull glow spilling out and illuminating the area.
first half is past tense, second half is present tense. ...a dull glow spilled out and illuminated the area.
She lifted her head from her hands, as if she...
no comma
His body had begun to burn, just from looking...
no comma
...and how much meaningful they must have been, knowing she would have to give up...
...and how much more meaningful it was, knowing she would have to give up... (the confession was meaningful, right?)
Her look traveled his whole body, and with no reservation, Saren did the same to her.
Her look traveled his whole body and, with no reservations, Saren did the same to her.
...the way the leaves pressed against her smooth skin moved in sync with her hips...
Either ...the way the leaves that pressed against her smooth sking moved in sync with her hips... or ...the way the leaves pressed against her smooth skin and moved in sync with her hips...
Even though Myrth was unexperienced...
Even through Myrth was inexperienced...
Epilogue
Sacrifice Saren
He kissed her softly on the cheek, just before the tears spilled from over her eyes.
...just before tears spilled from her eyes.
She would later go down in history as one of the most influential Druids the forest has ever seen.
...forest had ever seen.
Her figure was outlined by the sun, tears in her eyes, and a smile on her lips.
Her figure was outlined by the sun. There were tears in her eyes and a smile on her lips.
When she did let go of her title, her and Saren...
...she and Saren...
It would be through Rei that the other elves in the forest would learn to trust and accept Saren, even after the incident that required Myrth's pardon.
Why was Myrth pardoned? Was it because of Saren? Is this related to the story she told of the human using the elf? That last part confuses me.
GrandTree would be their home for their future together, and for their children.
no comma
Draco path
Draco was standing as still as a rock, however, but it was difficult...
...as a rock, however, and it was difficult...
Saren regained focus just enough to pull out...
Saren regained just enough focus to pull out...
...when Draco felt that something bad was going to happen to them...and when Saren promised that nothing would.
...and Saren promised that nothing would.
The light from his magic grew too bright that even...
...grew so bright that even...
...and draco's chest heaved upwards, and fell.
no comma
...able to recognize that his breathing restored shortly...
...able to recognize that his breating was restored shortly...
A soldier pointed him to the right direction, and inside of Draco's room, he found the fire mage...
A soldier pointed him in the right direction, and inside Draco's room he found the...
Draco/Saren scene
Loren had checked in on Draco a few times, and each time, Saren was always there.
...and each time Saren was always there.
She didn't say anything more, however, just gave Saren a sympathetic look...
She didn't say anything more, however, and just gave Saren a sympathetic look... or She didn't say anything more and just gave Saren a sympathetic look...
That was the last thing Saren would sit back and watch before he clamored...
That was the last thing Saren would see before... (?)
His head swam with a white numbness...
Whose head: Saren's or Draco's?
...to see Draco's reaction, and finally pulled back...
no comma
The world may have seen him a certain way...
...in a certain way...
He bent down again as they both grew still again.
Take out either one of the "agains"
In the Volcano
His defiance struck him hard...
Draco's defiance... (as long as it was Draco's defiance that struck Saren hard. Otherwise it's the other way around)
Amukiki's Path
His commitments to his land, and to his mistress, were being put to the test...
no commas
The thought of gladiator caused him...
The thought of the gladiator caused him...
Amukiki/Saren scene (this one is as hot as the Karen/Elenor one. like wow :D)
You are sharpening your skills, so that you may battle Fost.
no comma
Then abandon it, and give the chance to me.
no comma
He let him wrestle him to the ground and try to subdue him...
lots of hims. maybe He let Saren wrestle him to the ground and try to subdue him...
...searching Amukiki's face for a single flaw, but could not...
no comma
He was pushing Amukiki away with his hand anymore, he was pulling him.
He wasn't pushing Amukiki away... (I think that's what you meant)
The world went dark for him as he let his body tell him exacly what he wanted, not his mind - just as Amukiki told him he was learning to do.
I don't understand that last part - just as Amukiki told him he was learning to do.
Their bodies became less rigid, and shifting in passion.
...less rigid and shifted in passion. (?)
...needing to have the other right there, and afraid that they would not have another chance...
Either ...right there, afraid that they... or ...right there and afraid that they...
Not without living for themselves at least once in their life.
...at least once in their lives.
...mark their evening together as a moment of true freedom, and one they...
no comma
Amukiki hadn't planned to kiss him, and to him, that was a beautiful thing.
The 2nd him "and to him," which "him" is it: Saren or Amukiki. If it's Amukiki, then it's fine as is. If it's Saren, you might want to say ...and to Saren that was a beautiful thing.
You're following me, all the times I did with you.
All the times Saren did what with Loren? Not sure what is meant. You're following me, like all the times I followed you. (?)
Loading supply wagons
I wanted to help out, and you had not given me direction yet.
no comma
She felt like only spectator of herself.
Not sure what is meant here. She felt like she was watching herself? She was beside herself with some emotion?
Loren path
But not in genuine.
But it wasn't genuine. (?)
Foreplay battle (this scene is awesome :D)
...tell each other everything that was on their mind, that they could...
...on their minds...
Their eyes never left each other's, and they could feel their heart beating...
Their eyes never (parted?), and they could feel their hearts beating...
Saren/Loren scene
...she found music in the quiet sounds of her partner, and a desire to hear...
no comma
Saren's happiness had become her own happiness, and through that, she understood...
...happiness and through that, she understood or ...happniess, and through that she understood... (depends on how you want the reader to interpret phrasing)
She enjoyed the power that Saren had, over her and over every...
no comma or if you want the reader to "read" a pause, elipses instead of a comma.
They both decided to swear anyone who challenged their love to Inferno.
...curse anyone... (?)
Epilogue
Sacrifice Karen
Loren wanted it for Saren, but also in memory of her mother, who was driven away...
Loren wanted it for Saren, but it was also in memory of her mother who was driven away...
Saren loved and protected Loren for all of his life.
...for the rest of his life. flows better
Saren welcomed fatherhood, as the Amazons welcomed their first Amazon Prince.
Either no comma or ...fatherhood, and the Amazons welcomed...
Myrth path
...or that she wasn't standing so close, but so far away.
...yet so far away. is more the standard way of expressing that sentiment
Saren looked past Loren and found eyes with Myrth unexpectedly.
...and unexpectedly locked eyes with Myrth. (?)
...and even in this battle, she seemed to avoid him.
no comma
But now, she looked pale and her eyes were dark.
no comma
...walk right up to her and bring her crashing into arms.
...into his arms. Crashing conjurs up an oddly violent mental image. ...and hold her in his arms? I know you want something more passionate; I just can't think of anything.
Across from Saren, he watched Myrth clutch her chest with her eyes tightly closed.
Across from Saran, Myrth clutched her chest. Her eyes were tightly closed. or Saren watched Myrth clutch her chest.
He could not withhold any longer...
He could not hold back any longer...
Saren knew he would have to keep he safe until...
...keep her safe...
Myrth/Saren scene
Myrth had loved him, but she never told him, or even let him love her, too.
...never told him or even let him love her back.
He rushed down the hall to find Myrth, but instead found Apolimesho.
no comma
She asked me to send you back for her.
...back to her. or She asked me to send you to her.
...racking his mind, but then he quickly...
...racking his mind, but he quickly...
It started to unfurl before him, a dull glow spilling out and illuminating the area.
first half is past tense, second half is present tense. ...a dull glow spilled out and illuminated the area.
She lifted her head from her hands, as if she...
no comma
His body had begun to burn, just from looking...
no comma
...and how much meaningful they must have been, knowing she would have to give up...
...and how much more meaningful it was, knowing she would have to give up... (the confession was meaningful, right?)
Her look traveled his whole body, and with no reservation, Saren did the same to her.
Her look traveled his whole body and, with no reservations, Saren did the same to her.
...the way the leaves pressed against her smooth skin moved in sync with her hips...
Either ...the way the leaves that pressed against her smooth sking moved in sync with her hips... or ...the way the leaves pressed against her smooth skin and moved in sync with her hips...
Even though Myrth was unexperienced...
Even through Myrth was inexperienced...
Epilogue
Sacrifice Saren
He kissed her softly on the cheek, just before the tears spilled from over her eyes.
...just before tears spilled from her eyes.
She would later go down in history as one of the most influential Druids the forest has ever seen.
...forest had ever seen.
Her figure was outlined by the sun, tears in her eyes, and a smile on her lips.
Her figure was outlined by the sun. There were tears in her eyes and a smile on her lips.
When she did let go of her title, her and Saren...
...she and Saren...
It would be through Rei that the other elves in the forest would learn to trust and accept Saren, even after the incident that required Myrth's pardon.
Why was Myrth pardoned? Was it because of Saren? Is this related to the story she told of the human using the elf? That last part confuses me.
GrandTree would be their home for their future together, and for their children.
no comma
Draco path
Draco was standing as still as a rock, however, but it was difficult...
...as a rock, however, and it was difficult...
Saren regained focus just enough to pull out...
Saren regained just enough focus to pull out...
...when Draco felt that something bad was going to happen to them...and when Saren promised that nothing would.
...and Saren promised that nothing would.
The light from his magic grew too bright that even...
...grew so bright that even...
...and draco's chest heaved upwards, and fell.
no comma
...able to recognize that his breathing restored shortly...
...able to recognize that his breating was restored shortly...
A soldier pointed him to the right direction, and inside of Draco's room, he found the fire mage...
A soldier pointed him in the right direction, and inside Draco's room he found the...
Draco/Saren scene
Loren had checked in on Draco a few times, and each time, Saren was always there.
...and each time Saren was always there.
She didn't say anything more, however, just gave Saren a sympathetic look...
She didn't say anything more, however, and just gave Saren a sympathetic look... or She didn't say anything more and just gave Saren a sympathetic look...
That was the last thing Saren would sit back and watch before he clamored...
That was the last thing Saren would see before... (?)
His head swam with a white numbness...
Whose head: Saren's or Draco's?
...to see Draco's reaction, and finally pulled back...
no comma
The world may have seen him a certain way...
...in a certain way...
He bent down again as they both grew still again.
Take out either one of the "agains"
In the Volcano
His defiance struck him hard...
Draco's defiance... (as long as it was Draco's defiance that struck Saren hard. Otherwise it's the other way around)
Amukiki's Path
His commitments to his land, and to his mistress, were being put to the test...
no commas
The thought of gladiator caused him...
The thought of the gladiator caused him...
Amukiki/Saren scene (this one is as hot as the Karen/Elenor one. like wow :D)
You are sharpening your skills, so that you may battle Fost.
no comma
Then abandon it, and give the chance to me.
no comma
He let him wrestle him to the ground and try to subdue him...
lots of hims. maybe He let Saren wrestle him to the ground and try to subdue him...
...searching Amukiki's face for a single flaw, but could not...
no comma
He was pushing Amukiki away with his hand anymore, he was pulling him.
He wasn't pushing Amukiki away... (I think that's what you meant)
The world went dark for him as he let his body tell him exacly what he wanted, not his mind - just as Amukiki told him he was learning to do.
I don't understand that last part - just as Amukiki told him he was learning to do.
Their bodies became less rigid, and shifting in passion.
...less rigid and shifted in passion. (?)
...needing to have the other right there, and afraid that they would not have another chance...
Either ...right there, afraid that they... or ...right there and afraid that they...
Not without living for themselves at least once in their life.
...at least once in their lives.
...mark their evening together as a moment of true freedom, and one they...
no comma
Amukiki hadn't planned to kiss him, and to him, that was a beautiful thing.
The 2nd him "and to him," which "him" is it: Saren or Amukiki. If it's Amukiki, then it's fine as is. If it's Saren, you might want to say ...and to Saren that was a beautiful thing.
All of you deserve medals of awesomeness.
