1) If you choose to ask dwarves what they are looking at, Surly Dwarf says:
What the hell do you care?
English isn’t my native but I guess it has to be “Why”.
2) After previous one. MC thoughts:
I hear the cry of a woman’s voice crying out.
“Cry” and “crying out” in one sentence. This one definitely requires alteration but I leave it up to you and your writer’s imagination.
3) When Galan appears and one of the dwarves pulls out daggers.
Galan:
So you have weapons. Lets see if you they can match up to my hammer.
Let’s. Even Word document protested against this “Lets”
4) Almost right after previous one:
The two other dwarfs get to their feet and draw their weapons.
“The” is needles here.
5) When Dasyra heals MC. MC’s thoughts:
To my surprise, I found I have no difficulty getting to our feet.
Firstly, “to my feet”. Otherwise, MC again shows personality split and requires psychiatrist’s help.
Secondly, I am not sure but should it be “no difficulty in getting to”?
6) After previous one:
Dasrya points her staff at the leader of the slovenly dwarf.
Does Dasyra have an evil twin “Dasrya”?
7) In prison when Dasyra mentioned Faberge first time, MC says:
I recognize that name. The famous jeweler.
In context, it has to be “this name”.
Actually, I recommend when you or someone else will do a proof read, pay attention to “that” and “this”. There are many moments in the text where I felt “this” will be more suitable but again English isn’t my native.
Same dialog. Dasyra says:
Well, yes. Us, right how, here in this dungeon, for instance.
Even Word urges me to replace “how” by “now”.
9) Almost unnoticeable but when Dasyra asks for a MC’s opinion about fight and 3 options appear, text description states:
Dasrya wants to know my thoughts on combat…
EVIL TWIN STRIKES BACK!
10) Same dialog. Dasyra says:
What’d done is done. We did what we thought was best, and it led us here. Let’s just do our best to get out, eh?
“What’s”. Not “What’d”.
11) Actually it can be in “unsure” section but dictionary states otherwise.
When you are going to check Galan at the first time. MC’s thoughts:
I glance over at the door. Dasyra seems to be going fine.
Dictionary in my hands states that “glance over “ or “glance at” would be more suitable but it’s only about 75% of “surence” so I leave it up to you.
12) Galan’s story about honest merchant:
Thing was, he didn’t have the money to pay me. But he did have the jewelry. So offered following arrangement: I would escort him from Grimoire to Hammerhands, and that upon arrival he would sell jewelry to the waiting vendor and pay me my usual fee.
“So he offered” will sound better.
13) Next slide if I remember right. Galan continues:
Anyway, I saw the man all the way to Hammerhands. But when we arrived, a small problem was discovered. The buyer insisted that the jewelry be appraised, you see. And the appraiser told him that the jewelry was counterfeit.
"Jewelry must be appraised" or something similar.
14) After dwarf guard’s departure Galan has “a small talk” with Dasyra. MC’s observations:
Galan grabs Dasyra by the shoulders and shoves her against the wall. He leans in until there faces are only an inch apart.
“Their”. Not “there”.
15) When Dasyra committed stealing her mother’s brooch there is a dialog choice (
N.B. There is no change in relationships here no matter which option you choose, so it may be bugged). In any case, if you choose “she should told you”, MC describe their thoughts and actions as:
I feel the touch of Dasyra hands on my shoulder, and I spin around and bat her away. I raise a hand, ans she flinches.
“And”.
16) Checking Galan after Dasyra’s commitment. MC says:
You doing okay up there? It’s no trouble for you to keep balance and dig at the same time? You have only to hands, you know.
“Two”.
" with 100% accuracy 
. “The ear” or “an ear”?
. I placed there some phrases I found a little bit unnatural and suggested how to alter them. Just 5 of them, each one is 1-3 words at max, but it's up to you.